One Girl Army Read online

  “Chloe Jackson you are acting like a child!” her mother snapped. “Get up and be a respectable human being. We raised you better than this,”

  Chloe’s mother reached out and flicked the end of the mattress away from her daughter’s behind. She swatted at Chloe’s bottom, grimacing as her fingers felt the days old sweat that lingered in the fabric of Chloe’s pajama bottoms.

  “Your sister broke up with Jeffery,” Chloe’s dad said suddenly, “She only cried for a few hours before she was off in town. You should try that.”

  “No,” Chloe snapped. “Leave me alone.”

  “Chloe sweetheart come on,” her dad said again, “You’re too good for him anyway, you always have been. Now get up and prove it to the world and yourself. Come on, up,”

  Her father threw his hands into the air and grinned down at the mound on the bed. The duvet shifted and eventually Chloe’s head poked out of the top.

  “I just want to be left alone,” she said quietly. Her father’s smile fell. “I’m an adult, as you keep reminding me. Just go and let me deal with this how I want to.”

  “By hiding in your flat?” her mother said, popping in to view, “By ignoring all of our calls and emails? By quitting your job? That’s not adult. That’s not how Ellie does it?”

  “Well I’m not Ellie am I?” Chloe hissed.

  Her father couldn’t help but take a step back at the anger on his eldest daughter’s face.

  “I’m sorry that I’m such a disappointment to both of you,” she said harshly. “Why don’t you both just go and spend time with Ellie if she’s so perfect. Leave me in peace and forget that I even exist.”

  She rolled over and pulled the quilt back over the top of her head. Her mother tsked at her, sucking her teeth and shaking her head. Eventually she turned and made her way out of the room.

  “Come on Nigel!” she called, “Let’s leave Chloe to mope by herself. We’ll check on her in a day or two. Make sure that she’s still alive, you know, the usual,”

  Chloe lay there in the darkness under her quilt. She listened to the sounds of footsteps echoing through the flat before eventually the front door opened and slammed shut again. She sighed and flipped the top of the duvet down and took a deep breath of fresh air. It was starting to get fairly rank under the duvet. She rolled on to her back and stared up at the ceiling. That was the third time in as many weeks that her parents had been round and they had resorted to out and out lying to try to get her to leave the confines of her bed. There was no way she could go back to work at the bank, not with the way that she had left. It was likely that she’d never get a decent reference either or another job in the banking sector. Throwing a pitcher of water over the manager would do that to a person’s career.

  Chloe continued to stare up at the ceiling and dark thoughts continued to crowd in to her mind. She had tried to leave the house a few times, in the beginning, but had always, inevitably returned to her bed. At first she’d managed a few hours outside, before the feeling of people looking at her and judging her became too much. She felt as though everyone wanted something from her for a reason, anyone who spoke to her was trying to get something that she probably didn’t want to or couldn’t give. When she couldn’t give them what they wanted they tended to ignore her or insult her until she fled back to her flat and the safety of her bed. No one was nice to her or spoke to her for the sake of it. Eventually those thoughts and feelings had gotten so overwhelming that within seconds of stepping out of her front door Chloe had begun to feel dizzy and out of breath. It took her returning to the flat and hiding under her duvet for her to be able to feel normal again.

  Those feelings had always been there, floating around in the back of her mind. In truth it felt like it was one of the reasons she had not made many friends, she just hadn’t realised that that was what she was feeling at the time. No one wanted to be her friend or hire her to work for them because they knew, almost instinctively that there were better people out there, people who could give them more than Chloe could so the friends and bosses that she had had eventually pushed her away and looked for people who were better. No one wanted to be with her just because. Not even Damon or any of the men she had been with. Not the friends she had made in college or university. Every friendship she had ever had, had been a lie.

  It was the same with her parents. She loved them and she knew that they loved her but that was as far as it went, at least it felt that way to her. They visited her and tried to coax her out, not because they were concerned for her, but concerned how her behaviour looked in other people’s eyes and how it reflected on them. It had always felt that way and now Chloe realised it for the first time. They were just trying to stop her from being a failure, not because they feared how she would cope with it but because they knew it would make them look like failures too. It was why they gave all their attention to Ellie most of the time, why they spoilt her rotten and fluttered around her with concern. It was almost convincing, how much they seemed to care for Chloe as well but she saw now that they just wanted to make sure that she didn’t make them look bad. Not like Ellie. Ellie was the perfect one.

  A white hot curtain of rage filled Chloe up at the thought of her sister. Ellie had always been the pretty one, the smart one. She was the one who had known what she wanted to do with her life and had gone after it with everything she had. It had been Ellie who had loads of friends in school and after her school years, it had been Ellie who forged friendships so deep that her friends would do literally anything to make her happy. The boys had flocked around Ellie, not Chloe, and Ellie had seemed to have a new boyfriend every week. It had been Ellie who succeeded most at university, who had found a job straight off the bat and had quickly received promotion after promotion. Ellie knew how the world worked, her brain was wired right and she was able to make the most of it. She was even a success online, on Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram. People from all over the world wanted to know her, have a slice of the action and they didn’t even know her properly. Whenever Chloe tried to make her online life better it never worked and more often than not she ended up the target of abuse.

  As quickly as it had come the rage vanished. It was replaced by guilt and despair. Ellie might have been better than Chloe but Ellie was also a nice person. She was kind and sweet. She was everything that Chloe tried to be but it was Ellie who managed to make it work, not Chloe. But Ellie didn’t seem to see it this way. She was always there for Chloe, had come round the moment she had found out about Damon and had simply sat beside Chloe and commiserated with her sister before turning on the TV and watching some random reality show where fat people shouted at their relatives and beat them up with foam staffs. Ellie didn’t seem to care and Chloe realised that perhaps Ellie was the only person in the world who actually liked her for her. And she felt guilty for hating her sister, even for a few moments.

  Chloe sat up in bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around them and buried her forehead in the spot where they were side by side. The tears began to fall, hot and burning on her already tear stained skin. She was a terrible person, it was no wonder that nothing seemed to work for her. There was no point trying to carry on, no point getting out of bed or trying to go back to normal. She almost wanted to end it, there and then but realised that would just make her an even bigger failure than she already was. Her parents would be mortified that their own daughter, the eldest and least successful, of their children had taken the easy way out of light. Ellie would be hurt, she would cry and maybe even end up hating Chloe. And there was the fear, a very real fear, that settled in the back of Chloe’s mind that she would get it wrong and she would spend the rest of her life with the shame of knowing that she had even failed to take her life, just like she failed to do everything else.

  Chloe sobbed aloud, letting the feelings flow through her and no longer trying to fight them off. It was the least she deserved for the failure that she was. Every bad thing that she had ever thought about herself
, that she had ever heard said about her, every bad look, every sneer, every glare, all of it went round and around in her head and wouldn’t leave. Chloe rolled back on to the bed and cried herself to sleep.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Chloe looked around the waiting room of the doctor’s surgery. She didn’t want to be here but Ellie had insisted. For the first time her sister was asking her to do something for both of them and she couldn’t find it in her heart to say no. Ellie was sat beside her, flicking through pictures on her phone but when Chloe glanced over Ellie smiled at her tightly and reached out to take Chloe’s hand in hers. Chloe tried to smile back but it felt wrong and strange on her face. Ellie had asked her to go to the doctors, Chloe reminded herself, she had wanted something from her sister at last, just like everyone else did but Ellie had wanted it, wanted Chloe to do this, not to get something from her but to get something for her. The worry and the concern on Ellie’s face had been something that Chloe found herself unable to say no to.

  And now here she was, sat in the beige waiting room on an uncomfortable plastic chair, waiting for her name to be called. Chloe hadn’t asked Ellie to come with her, Ellie had insisted and was even coming in to the doctor’s office with her sister. Chloe could already feel the eyes on her, the judgment in those gazes. It felt like every waiting patient was staring at her and knew what was wrong. They were judging her and probably laughing inside. Chloe was finding it hard to breath. Ellie’s hand on her arm held the panic at bay though and Chloe continued to stare at the blank beige wall opposite her.

  “It’s going to be ok,” Ellie whispered to her. “Everyone here is going through the same thing babe,”

  Chloe looked at her sister, her perfectly made up face and her perfectly styled hair. They may be so different but sometimes it was as though Ellie could read her mind.

  “You’re doing a good thing,” Ellie whispered, “You’ll feel so much better once you get this sorted out.”

  “Mum and Dad are going to be so embarrassed.” Chloe muttered, “They’ll never want to look at me again,”

  “Well they can go screw,” Ellie whispered, “You need to do this for yourself. We all cope with things differently. I can go out and get drunk and be over it, you need to talk it all through and get it sorted out in your head with some help. There’s no shame in it. If I needed it I would do it.”

  “I just… I don’t think I can do this,” Chloe murmured.

  Her heart was racing. She couldn’t catch her breath. Everything around her was going fuzzy. She was convinced that everyone in the waiting room was watching her, waiting for her to do something stupid to embarrass herself. They were going to laugh the moment she left the room, she was sure of it. Chloe leaned forwards, resting her elbows on her knees and putting her head in her hands as she tried to catch her breath.

  “Just breathe,” Ellie murmured as she put her hand on her sister’s shoulder, “Just breathe and you’ll be ok. They’ll be calling your name any minute.”

  Ellie continued to speak quietly to Chloe and Chloe desperately listened to the sound of her voice. She couldn’t hear the words but the sound was soothing and slowly she started to calm down. She glanced up but as soon as she saw people looking in her direction she started to hyperventilate again. Ellie’s hand on her head was firm as she pushed her sister’s head back into her hands. Chloe let the sound of Ellie’s voice roll over her and sooth her damaged nerves. She breathed in deeply and breathed out slowly. Secretly she didn’t think that seeing a doctor would work. She was only going because Ellie had looked so worried. Her sister had admitted that although their parents seemed concerned about their appearances they were genuinely worried about her. Chloe didn’t like worrying people, it was just the way that she was wired. The idea that she was making her parents sad for how she was behaving, that Ellie was getting upset for her, made her want to do whatever she could to stop them feeling so sad.

  “Chloe Jackson to Doctor Jones,” the voice said over the loudspeaker.

  Chloe jolted and slowly, as Ellie pushed at her elbow, rose to her feet. Her entire body shook as she walked towards the doctor’s office, the door looming up in front of her.

  “Do you want me to come in with you?” Ellie whispered as she walked beside Chloe. “I can if you want,”

  “No,” Chloe muttered, “You stay out here. I’ll probably need a hug when I get out though.”

  “I think anyone would.” Ellie said. “I’ll go and get us some lunch and meet you back here in a little while.”

  Ellie pulled Chloe into a deep hug before she turned and walked away. Chloe watched her sister go before taking a deep breath and turning back to the door. She breathed out quickly and raised her shaking hand to knock on the wood.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Well you certainly have a few anxiety problems,” Doctor Jones said, flipping through the questionnaire that Chloe had filled in. “And we can use medication to help regulate those. I would suggest you undergo therapy with a trained psychiatrist though. If you can get to the root of your problems, the source of where all these feelings are stemming from then it will be much easier for you to cope with them and it may remove them completely.”

  “I don’t know…” Chloe said hesitantly. “I mean, drugs and seeing a shrink? Isn’t that for crazy people?”

  “Not at all,” Doctor Jones said firmly, “Many people find that it is much easier to cope with their mental conditions when they can talk their problems through with a neutral party. And the medication isn’t the long term solution. It’s simply to help alleviate your anxiety and depression enough for you to be able to undergo counselling and therapy. There is nothing to say that you must be on it long term.”

  “If you think it will help Doctor,” Chloe said with a shrug and a sigh.

  “You need to be doing this for you though Chloe,” the doctor said firmly. “It won’t be as effective as it can be if you’re not doing this because YOU want to.”

  “If it means I won’t feel like this anymore I suppose it’s worth a shot,” Chloe said, “I mean, it’s not like things can get much worse is it?”

  “Okey dokey,” Doctor Jones said. He began to write something on a pad, “Take this prescription to the chemists to get it filled immediately and we’ll book you on to the counselling for the earliest available appointment.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Chloe was yet again sat in a waiting room. The doctor had somehow managed to get her an appointment that same day at the nearby psychiatrist’s office within the hour. Her prescription would be filled by the end of the day and she had sent Ellie on her way. This waiting room was much more comfortable than the one at the doctors surgery. The seats were plush armchairs and sofas. There was a fish tank bubbling in the corner of the room and soft pan pipe music was coming from somewhere. There were books on a bookshelf nearby and a fire was crackling in the fireplace. It didn’t feel like a doctor’s waiting room, or a psychiatrist’s waiting room. It felt like she was sat in someone’s living room, just waiting for them to come back with tea and biscuits.

  “Chloe?” an older gentleman said as he popped his head around a door, “I’m ready to see you now.”

  Chloe stood up and walked towards the door. She was shaking again and although the way the doctor was smiling at her was welcoming enough she was still terrified. Visions of padded rooms and white jackets with the sleeves tied together raced through her mind. Electric chairs and probes and long needles filled her vision as she walked into the room. Then she stopped.

  “Oh,” she said, lost for words.

  “Not what you were expecting?” the man asked. “Were you thinking all white with a desk and a bed?”

  “Something like that,” Chloe said quietly as she continued to look around.

  It was just like her dad’s study really. The walls were lined with bookshelves and books, the desk near the window was a deep dark wood, ridiculously large. There were several comfortable looking armchairs around the room, another fire bur
ning in the hearth and a chaise lounge that looked like she could easily and quickly drift off on it.

  “Would you like to take a seat?” the man asked,

  “On the laying down thingy?” Chloe asked, pointing at the chaise lounge.

  “Wherever you want.” He replied. “As long as you feel comfortable, that’s the most important thing here.”

  Chloe looked at him sceptically as she walked further into the room. The door clicked shut with a firm thud. She skirted around the chaise lounge and took a seat in one of the armchairs by the fire. The doctor sat in the armchair facing her. He was older, grey haired and distinguished looking. His glasses were stylish and framed with a thin golden wire. His hair was perfectly styled and his fingers were long and delicate looking. He crossed one leg over the other and looked at Chloe over the top of his glasses.

  “So…” he said as she continued to fidget in her chair, “Your file says that you have some issues with anxiety and depression.”

  “Yeah,” Chloe said as she finally removed her coat. “Things just got bad and my sister encouraged me to come here,”

  “So you’re doing this for your sister?” the doctor asked, making a note on his pad, “Don’t you want to do this for yourself?”

  “I think it’s a load of crap to be honest,” Chloe said with a shrug, “Talking about my feelings and stuff has never helped me feel any better. I don’t get why I need to pay someone to do that too,”

  “Interesting…” the doctor said. He leaned forwards towards Chloe. “What my job is, I suppose, isn’t just to listen to you talking about your feelings. My job is to encourage you to dig deep, to examine what you’re feeling and help you understand where these emotions come from. Once you understand the source of these feelings you will be able to work towards bringing them under control. No longer will you be ruled by how you feel. Instead you will be able to control your emotions and your mind will be much better for it.”